WWE is once again pleasing their Universal corporate masters by producing a new reality show, Total Divas, on the fabled E! network. The “!” is because this is exciting. Since it is our duty to consume anything professional wrestling, we here at Kayfabe Comedy proudly present the Total Divas Power Rankings, to determine who is the totalest Diva of them all. We evaluate the divas on their core attributes, “Smart, sexy, and powerful” and whatever miscellaneous Diva qualities they exhibit from week to week. This week’s qualities are “Ability to Manipulate the Space/Time Continuum” and “General E! Show Cattiness.”
1) A Brief Appearance of Dean Ambrose (last week: 1)
Dean Ambrose is a big fan of “cinema verite”, the documentary film style that emphasises the camera observing the action and not interfering in anyway. Ironically though, he does not care for reality television, despite being the Totaltest Diva three times in these here power rankings. Who knows why? Maybe the show’s seem to contrived? Maybe there is no truth in mass consumption worth exploring? Or maybe they just cannot compare to his favorite cinema verite film, Faces of Death IV. #DeanAmbroseFact
2) Naomi (last week: 3)
I didn’t expect this to happen, but as Total Divas continues on I find myself relating the most to Naomi. That’s not to say that we have a whole lot of things in common, but I think if there was a “Which Total Diva Are You?” quiz on OKCupid I’d probably score as a “Naomi” because of how we value our free time and are more concerned with getting it down before I start throwing in bells and whistles.
SIDE NOTE SLAM: Incidentally, I think Nikki Bella would have a 73% Enemy percentage to me on OKCupid.
Still, the protracted “Ugggggggggggggg” Naomi dropped early on the episode really resonated with me. Probably because I say “Uggggggg” all the time, BUT STILL!
However, what may be most impressive for Naomi (and Cameron, I guess…) is her whirlwind lifestyle. We open in New York at a swank Manhattan hotel. From there the Funkadactyls are whisked away to Calgary, Alberta for Monday Night Raw, only to then return to New York for some fashion show thing. Then we’re in Tampa, Florida so that Naomi can coach out a new dance routine (which was great, be tee dubs), followed by a return to the north east to go Go Kart racing at Pole Position in Jersey City. Only to end the week at the next week’s Raw, in Long Island. And if that wasn’t enough, she had to juggle all the personal drama that comes with this lifestyle, and end it with a strong hug.
I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I think Naomi and I should be together.
3) Cameron (last week: 5)
It’s only fitting that the other Funkadactly would place well on this week’s power ranks, since the title is about the two of them. And what did we learn about Cameron this week? Well for starters- SHE LOVES SHOPPING! And she communicates through making her hands bark at each other! So yea, she’s basically 12.
Cameron may be all that, but she does not have the additional bag of chips that would constitute being the totaltest diva. I almost choked on the metaphorical Charleston Chew I was metaphorically eating when I saw her give Naomi lessons on how to be sincere (because we remember her half assed apology from Week 2), so I suppose that’s worth some points. And she was very wise on her advice to Naomi about leaving personal conflicts at “the door” because THIS BUSINESS and junk.
By the way, I may have mentioned this before, but it’s super hilarious that the woman that caused Stone Cold Austin to become so enraged that he had to take a breath otherwise he was going to slap the hell out of her for saying that “Melina vs Alicia Fox” was her favorite match ever is the only person from that failed season of Tough Enough to actually make it to the WWE and has a high profile role on one of the highest profile projects WWE has ever done.
Still I need to deduct some points from her score because for all her blustering about looking good for the camera, she wore the same outfit on two different days! She wore this weird half top thing and jeans on the morning in New York before Raw, and then wore the same outfit to Pole Position in New Jersey! It’s almost like this show is just assembled from two week’s worth of footage that E! shot back in April…
Also, she dresses like Naomi Campbell in 1995.
4) Miss Sandra (last week: 10)
Only on screen for ten seconds this week, but stole the show again by holding her seamstress skills over the Funkadactyls to get them to be happier. It’s almost like she jinxed the two of them when they had their singles matches!
5) Natalya (last week: 2)
Before we get into the trials and tribulations of the a Hart, I think I need to blow your mind with some Total Divas analysis. The show might not (gasp!) be totally legitimate. The producers might contrive some situations to get a desired action. In this case, the desired response is “1950′s” sitcom. Seriously. What have been some of the stories? A feisty redhead wants to perform on stage and lies about her talent? I think that was the Lucy show. Or what about when city girl Brie Bella had to figure out if she could live in countrified Aberdeen, Washington? It’s almost like a TV show called Green Acres existed once. Or this week, when Natalya has anxiety towards her in-laws…
Regardless, the trend of Natalya being crapped on continues, as an episode that was primarily about her doesn’t even mention her in the title. Oh well, I guess that’s supposed to make her sympathetic, but all it does for me is turn me off to her. She’s too self absorbed.
Basically, every other word out of her mouth this week was “Me” followed by “me, ME, ME, mE, and ME!!!” For some reason her birthday (key word: day) has been extended to “birthday week” (key word: week). Her birthday (birth week?) also coincided with a Raw which was also in her hometown of Calgary. Seriously, what a wonderful gift for her to be able to spend her birthday with friends and family, because we all know the personal struggles you go through to be a WWE Diva. But nope! Not good enough for Natalya! She apparently wants a private dinner with her fiance, who only wants to include her in his life and family (and you know, is making it official by marrying her). Also, her explanation for being mad about this development is that she thought “WE would have a private birthday dinner”, when everything else birthday related was a me or I.
Real talk for a second here, Total Divas version of Natalya: I’m going to pull back the Laugh Twins curtain for a second and let you know a little about my birthday. It’s December 24th. It sucks. I don’t get any privacy or really any say in what to I do on it because there’s always other things to do. Everyone means well, but mostly no one cares. And sure, I would love to spend my birthday (just day because I’m not obnoxious and I’m also an adult) with that special someone, but sometimes, just be happy that your family wants to be with you, especially when your life allows it.
I’m not even going to get into that whole Jared subplot because seriously, I can’t think of any more ways to type “Natalya is the worst.”
6) Jared the Spray Tan Magnet/Would be Philanderer (last week: UR)
7) Nikki Bella (last week: 6)
Nikki is clearly all about herself, which is fine I guess, because really, who isn’t? But her selfishness takes new bounds when it’s wrapped in depth and selflessness. She expresses how much she misses Pop Pop Bella, but it’s only because there’s one less person around to constantly validate her fragile ego by telling her that he’s proud of her. Nothing about him- just how he reacts to her.
But hey! Nikki Bella is a real person with feelings and stuff, so I guess we can understand that a lot of her problems stem from an absent father. That she wants nothing to do with because she doesn’t want the negativity. This is faulty though, because as the famous proverb by the wise Laugh Twin Adam goes “by avoiding negativity you yourself are negative.” And her “It takes time” resolution towards her father is just code for “I’m not going to do any work so please just keep validating me.”
Also, President Stalin- REALLY?
8) Brie Bella (last week: 6)
Brie didn’t do much but pin Natalya like a total boss. Also, she collects poop.
9) Eva Marie (last week: 9)
10) Jo Jo (last week: UR)
Unranked: Nana Bella’s compost tips, John Cena inexplicably framing a picture of the Yalta Conference, Jane Geddes, Colin the writer, Stephanie McMahon, that paddleboarder AGAIN, Tyson Kidd’s family, spray tan, Tyson Kidd