Kayfabe Comedy

A professional wrestling blog that wants to believe. Formerly of lolwresslin.blogspot.com

Total Divas Power Rankings Week 5: Feuding Funkadactyls

August 26th, 2013

Rankings

WWE is once again pleasing their Universal corporate masters by producing a new reality show, Total Divas, on the fabled E! network. The “!” is because this is exciting.  Since it is our duty to consume anything professional wrestling, we here at Kayfabe Comedy proudly present the Total Divas Power Rankings, to determine who is the totalest Diva of them all. We evaluate the divas on their core attributes, “Smart, sexy, and powerful” and whatever miscellaneous Diva qualities they exhibit from week to week. This week’s qualities are “Ability to Manipulate the Space/Time Continuum” and “General E! Show Cattiness.”

1) A Brief Appearance of Dean Ambrose (last week: 1)

Dean Ambrose is a big fan of “cinema verite”, the documentary film style that emphasises the camera observing the action and not interfering in anyway. Ironically though, he does not care for reality television, despite being the Totaltest Diva three times in these here power rankings. Who knows why?  Maybe the show’s seem to contrived? Maybe there is no truth in mass consumption worth exploring? Or maybe they just cannot compare to his favorite cinema verite film, Faces of Death IV. #DeanAmbroseFact

2) Naomi (last week:  3)

I didn’t expect this to happen, but as Total Divas continues on I find myself relating the most to Naomi.  That’s not to say that we have a whole lot of things in common, but I think if there was a “Which Total Diva Are You?” quiz on OKCupid I’d probably score as a “Naomi” because of how we value our free time and are more concerned with getting it down before I start throwing in bells and whistles.

SIDE NOTE SLAM: Incidentally, I think Nikki Bella would have a 73% Enemy percentage to me on OKCupid.

Still, the protracted “Ugggggggggggggg” Naomi dropped early on the episode really resonated with me.  Probably because I say “Uggggggg” all the time, BUT STILL!

However, what may be most impressive for Naomi (and Cameron, I guess…) is her whirlwind lifestyle.  We open in New York at a swank Manhattan hotel.  From there the Funkadactyls are whisked away to Calgary, Alberta for Monday Night Raw, only to then return to New York for some fashion show thing. Then we’re in Tampa, Florida so that Naomi can coach out a new dance routine (which was great, be tee dubs), followed by a return to the north east to go Go Kart racing at Pole Position in Jersey City.  Only to end the week at the next week’s Raw, in Long Island.  And if that wasn’t enough, she had to juggle all the personal drama that comes with this lifestyle, and end it with a strong hug.

I suppose what I’m trying to say is that I think Naomi and I should be together.

3) Cameron (last week: 5)

It’s only fitting that the other Funkadactly would place well on this week’s power ranks, since the title is about the two of them. And what did we learn about Cameron this week? Well for starters- SHE LOVES SHOPPING! And she communicates through making her hands bark at each other! So yea, she’s basically 12.

Cameron may be all that, but she does not have the additional bag of chips that would constitute being the totaltest diva.  I almost choked on the metaphorical Charleston Chew I was metaphorically eating when I saw her give Naomi lessons on how to be sincere (because we remember her half assed apology from Week 2), so I suppose that’s worth some points. And she was very wise on her advice to Naomi about leaving personal conflicts at “the door” because THIS BUSINESS and junk.

By the way, I may have mentioned this before, but it’s super hilarious that the woman that caused Stone Cold Austin to become so enraged that he had to take a breath otherwise he was going to slap the hell out of her for saying that “Melina vs Alicia Fox” was her favorite match ever is the only person from that failed season of Tough Enough to actually make it to the WWE and has a high profile role on one of the highest profile projects WWE has ever done.

Still I need to deduct some points from her score because for all her blustering about looking good for the camera, she wore the same outfit on two different days! She wore this weird half top thing and jeans on the morning in New York before Raw, and then wore the same outfit to Pole Position in New Jersey! It’s almost like this show is just assembled from two week’s worth of footage that E! shot back in April…

Also, she dresses like Naomi Campbell in 1995.

4) Miss Sandra (last week: 10)

Only on screen for ten seconds this week, but stole the show again by holding her seamstress skills over the Funkadactyls to get them to be happier.  It’s almost like she jinxed the two of them when they had their singles matches!

5) Natalya (last week: 2)

Before we get into the trials and tribulations of the a Hart, I think I need to blow your mind with some Total Divas analysis.  The show might not (gasp!) be totally legitimate. The producers might contrive some situations to get a desired action.  In this case, the desired response is “1950′s” sitcom. Seriously. What have been some of the stories? A feisty redhead wants to perform on stage and lies about her talent? I think that was the Lucy show. Or what about when city girl Brie Bella had to figure out if she could live in countrified Aberdeen, Washington? It’s almost like a TV show called Green Acres existed once.  Or this week, when Natalya has anxiety towards her in-laws…

Regardless, the trend of Natalya being crapped on continues, as an episode that was primarily about her doesn’t even mention her in the title.  Oh well, I guess that’s supposed to make her sympathetic, but all it does for me is turn me off to her. She’s too self absorbed.

Basically, every other word out of her mouth this week was “Me” followed by “me, ME, ME, mE, and ME!!!” For some reason her birthday (key word: day) has been extended to “birthday week” (key word: week). Her birthday (birth week?) also coincided with a Raw which was also in her hometown of Calgary.  Seriously, what a wonderful gift for her to be able to spend her birthday with friends and family, because we all know the personal struggles you go through to be a WWE Diva. But nope! Not good enough for Natalya! She apparently wants a private dinner with her fiance, who only wants to include her in his life and family (and you know, is making it official by marrying her). Also, her explanation for being mad about this development is that she thought “WE would have a private birthday dinner”, when everything else birthday related was a me or I.

Real talk for a second here, Total Divas version of Natalya:  I’m going to pull back the Laugh Twins curtain for a second and let you know a little about my birthday.  It’s December 24th.  It sucks.  I don’t get any privacy or really any say in what to I do on it because there’s always other things to do.  Everyone means well, but mostly no one cares.  And sure, I would love to spend my birthday (just day because I’m not obnoxious and I’m also an adult) with that special someone, but sometimes, just be happy that your family wants to be with you, especially when your life allows it.

I’m not even going to get into that whole Jared subplot because seriously, I can’t think of any more ways to type “Natalya is the worst.”

6) Jared the Spray Tan Magnet/Would be Philanderer (last week: UR)

Here’s you:

tumblr_md1rjcNae41qlglddo1_500

7) Nikki Bella (last week: 6)

Nikki is clearly all about herself, which is fine I guess, because really, who isn’t? But her selfishness takes new bounds when it’s wrapped in depth and selflessness.  She expresses how much she misses Pop Pop Bella, but it’s only because there’s one less person around to constantly validate her fragile ego by telling her that he’s proud of her.  Nothing about him- just how he reacts to her.

But hey! Nikki Bella is a real person with feelings and stuff, so I guess we can understand that a lot of her problems stem from an absent father. That she wants nothing to do with because she doesn’t want the negativity. This is faulty though, because as the famous proverb by the wise Laugh Twin Adam goes “by avoiding negativity you yourself are negative.” And her “It takes time” resolution towards her father is just code for “I’m not going to do any work so please just keep validating me.”

Also, President Stalin- REALLY?

8) Brie Bella (last week: 6)

Brie didn’t do much but pin Natalya like a total boss. Also, she collects poop.

9) Eva Marie (last week: 9)

Second place at Jersey City’s Pole Position, but #1 in my pole position.

10) Jo Jo (last week: UR)

Tell me about it.

Tell me about it.

Unranked: Nana Bella’s compost tips, John Cena inexplicably framing a picture of the Yalta Conference, Jane Geddes, Colin the writer, Stephanie McMahon, that paddleboarder AGAIN, Tyson Kidd’s family, spray tan, Tyson Kidd

Week 5 Power Rankings

 

Total Divas Power Rankings Week 4: The “Fat” Twin

August 19th, 2013

WWE is once again pleasing their Universal corporate masters by producing a new reality show, Total Divas, on the fabled E! network. The “!” is because this is exciting.  Since it is our duty to consume anything professional wrestling, we here at Kayfabe Comedy proudly present the Total Divas Power Rankings, to determine who is the totalest Diva of them all. We evaluate the divas on their core attributes, “Smart, sexy, and powerful” and whatever miscellaneous Diva qualities they exhibit from week to week. This week’s quality is “Hating Your Body.”

Due to my life being super important last week, I was unable to file the Power Rankings report.  So for posterity (and no jokes, sorry), here are the rankings.

  1. Jo Jo Offerman
  2. Jey Uso
  3. Naomi
  4. Director Paul Bunch
  5. Brie Bella
  6. John Cena
  7. Natalya
  8. Nikki Bella
  9. Cameron
  10. Paddle Board Surfer who was on both coasts paddle board surfing.

And now onto week 4!

1) A brief appearance of Dean Ambrose (last week: UR)

AND HE’S WRESTLING DANIEL BRYAN IN IT! ON THE E! NETWORK! /asplodes.

2) Natalya (last week: 7)

Remember way back in week 1, where Natalya was just stepped on by management? Babysit the new girls! Train the new girls!  Well, she pretty much gets the same treatment at home from her fiancee, despite looking good in a bra and panties set that is in no way a contrived event to gain her more fan fare.  At first she goes into her natural shell of just accepting her lot in life.  Perhaps being the daughter of the Anvil means you learn to sit there and get hammered a lot.

BUT NO MORE! She’s going to take charge on somethings!  Even if that means jay walking away from her fiancee and leaving him at the alter court house parking lot.  And even though she drew that line in the sand (try and find out, who she am), she’s not so bullheaded that she won’t compromise.  Wedding on the beach with a cat ring bearer?  While that will surely be the worst OK Cupid profile ever, it will work with a some Canadian shitkicker.  I imagine the wedding will look like this:

3) Naomi (last week: 3)

Don’t come to Naomi with stupid ideas. If your idea involves you crushing the hopes of little girls around the world, and more importantly taking you off the shelf for up to two months when the Funkadactyls are rockin’ and rollin’, then you can just drop the entire stupid idea.  THIS BUSINESS is the most important thing to Naomi- it should be for the rest of you Divas.

And hey, if you want to talk about the perfect combination of sexy AND power, just look at how Naomi brought in her fiancee to look and touch some fake breasts, then IMMEDIATELY pull rank on him.

4) Linda Manus- Breast Augmentation Consultant (last week: UR)

 

5) Cameron (last week: 9)

Honey I love you.  I think you’re a terrific girl.  But you talk like a fucking dickhead.

6) Tie: Brie & Nikki Bella (last week: 5, 8)

Have you ever heard people talk about what a great “ribber” Owen Hart was? How one time he got some cops to arrest Lex Luger because that would (rightfully) freak him out? Or how he dumped a liter of Diet Coke down Michael Cole’s pants right before a live interview? Or on a tour of Japan, he drenched all of a mystery wrestler’s clothes into a bathtub, ordered every PPV movie, and unscrewed all the lights in his room?

My point is- those aren’t “ribs.” That’s just Owen being an asshole, but he’s a dead Hart, so no one speaks ill of him.  That’s the Bella Twins on Total Divas.

Thankfully for all the other girls, the Bellas mostly turned their crosshairs on each other.  What does a very ill Brie Bella do when she thinks that weighing approximately 84 lbs do when she wants to weight 81? She reminds her sister who got plastic surgery that all that surgery does not change the “fat” perception. Or get mad that the same person can’t go on a 20 day juice cleanse the next day.  You know, sister stuff.

And how does the Nikki the victim react to all this? She makes Cameron feel bad about having smaller breasts, then pulls a classic “rib” by stealing on of the pre surgery implants.

Ok- that’s not a bad rib actually.

Regardless, all the underwear shopping, braless tops, and breast talk in the world can’t accommodate the powerlessness these girls have to their bodies. It was actually kind of upsetting to watch.  Damn you Total Divas!

WKibN

8) Tyson Kidd (last week: UR)

Tyson Kidd is like Lisa Simpson in the sensory deprivation tank. He tries to understand Natalya, but ultimately he just wants to eat big sandwich with lots of bacon. Don’t get me wrong, I totally get being more aroused by the prospect of Daniel Bryan and the Shield wrestling, but sometimes you just gotta let Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart‘s daughter feel pretty when she’s flaunting about in her unmentionables.

Also, real “sub tell” petting the cat in your lap while you ignore sex with a woman, Tyson.

9) Eva Marie (last week: UR)

Didn’t do much except blabber on about a thing called Instagram, but she did make Nikki Bella feel bad about herself.  Count that in the power column!

10) Miss Sandra (last week: UR)

Ditto for WWE’s resident seamstress.  Did you see the way she “dressed down” old flat chested Cameron?

Unranked: Jo Jo, that dude who walked into the ladies’ dressing room like a boss, Jey Uso, a chihuahua, Daniel Bryan texting, John Cena teaching the Bellas a valuable lesson, some creep-o fans, Janice, Vincent.

Week 3 Power Rankings

Week 4 Power Rankings

Total Divas Power Rankings Week 2: A Tango With Fandango

August 5th, 2013

Rankings

WWE is once again pleasing their Universal corporate masters by producing a new reality show, Total Divas, on the fabled E! network. The “!” is because this is exciting.  Since it is our duty to consume anything professional wrestling, we here at Kayfabe Comedy proudly present the Total Divas Power Rankings, to determine who is the totalest Diva of them all. We evaluate the divas on their core attributes, “Smart, sexy, and powerful” and whatever miscellaneous Diva qualities they exhibit from week to week. This week’s qualities are “Ability to correctly pronounce ‘Fandango’” and “Information Withholding.”

1) Dean Ambrose (last week: UR)

THERE WAS A BRIEF SHOT OF DEAN AMBROSE AND HE’S THE BEST BECAUSE HE’S IN THE SHIELD AND FUCK EVERYONE ON EARTH WHO ISN’T THE SHIELD

20130804_225444

2) Fandango (last week: UR)

In a world where Naomi is called “Trinity” and Daniel Bryan is called “Bryan Danielson”, Fandango remains Fandango. Who does everyone in WWE universally agree is the hottest act of the day? Fandango. Who can tell Eva Marie he’s going to think about her in the shower, and then clarify it with “In the shower”? Fandango. Who can work an aggressive hug game, kiss his own hand, and not come off like a scared 8th grader?  Fandango. Who is the man that makes the girl he’s working on game on feel like garbage by shutting down the dance rehearsal after one go round? Obviously, it’s Fandango.

If there’s anyone that exhibited the smart, sexy, and powerful attributes of a WWE Diva this week, it is FAWN. DAWN. GOOOOOOOOOO.

3) Brie Bella (last week: 4)

“I was nervous about seeing John’s house, but there’s something very comfortable about it here.” – My paraphrase of Brie Bella.

Gee, I wonder what that could be? Perhaps it is the opulence of John Cena’s paint-by-numbers Florida mansion? Perhaps it is the oh-so-important sun that you need? Amazing how after two years of dating Daniel Bryan she never once noticed that Washington State is rainy. Also, in true Diva fashion, Brie states in a confessional that true love is about sacrifice, but she also deserves certain things in her life.  You know, the sacrifice of getting what you want.

Of course, all was not bad this week for the Bella twin.  She cheated to win a match before it got reversed via DQ and won a wood chopping contest.  She also looked better in her wood chopping outfit then her bustier sister, which is an amazing feat I can’t believe I’m typing.

4) Nikki Bella (last week: 3)

Pop quiz hot shot: let’s say you’re driving around in your multi-millionaire body builder boyfriend’s Maserati. You’re  speeding down the highway in Tampa, Florida when all of a sudden you get pulled by the local police.  What do you do?  What do you do?

Well if you’re Nikki Bella, you flash your new, giant fake breasts and get out of the ticket.

Ordinarily, this is a strong example of smarts, sexiness, and power, but Nikki’s other actions bring her down a few notches. She again displays how insecure she is because Eva Marie just tweeted the words “John Cena” and needs to show off the elevator from the shoe room in Cena’s “crib.”  Bet on this fake relationship ending at the end of season one of this fake show.

Bonus points for the most irony free moment of the show when she was trying to give sage advice, but got interrupted because she was walking through a field of dog crap. Apparently, Nikki Bella represents the audience.

5) Naomi (Last week: 1)

 A Diva knows what works. It’s not about showing the most skin or having the best moves.  No, a Diva knows how to work for herself. True, the outfit she had to wear before going out for the biggest show in company history was barely ready on time despite being totally ready for the dress rehearsal a few days earlier, but that’s no reason to go to a new seamstresses.  Because what’s a mildly emphemenate man from western Florida going to do? I’ll tell you what he’s going to do: he’s going to create some boxxy lime green thing that smothers your chest and causes such serious camel toe the E! network is going to blur over your pelvis.

6) John Cena (last week: UR)

Remember when John Cena used to be super into rapping? THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH YOU GUYS.

Real talk: John Cena has an amazing house.  NO ONE DENIES THIS. But it’s so…bland. It has a “cigar room” and a shoe closet with an elevator and a huge pool area and a normal garage, but with GREAT CARS. John Cena has the house of a B-List rapper from 2000 on MTV Cribs, except he didn’t realize that all the cool stuff there was rented for the show. I know, can you believe that a professional wrestler got worked by MTV? WHAT A MARK!

Still- did you see him chopping all that wood?  Damn girl, that was pretty sexy. And a private jet? Pretty sexy and powerful. Now if only he didn’t look so damn stupid going down a waterslide.

What a goober

What a goober

7) Eva Marie (last week: 2)

It’s already official that Total Divas is the Eve Marie Show and the only reason she even has a WWE contract (if she even does) is to be on this show. Because even if everything is contrived and Total Divas is (gasp!) fake, there is still some reality to it. The WWE Divas do have to tour, they do have to train, and they do have to do things for WWE.  There are only so many hours in the day, so they can’t do everything the E! producers may want.  But what about this unknown girl? She can be a plot device all around.

How else do we explain what happened last night? In roughly 15 minutes of screen time Eve Marie talked to Fandango about being his new valet, pitched the idea to talent relations, told Jojo she lied about dancing, introduced her boyfriend who surprised her, got engaged, met Fandango for dinner without her engagement ring, met Fandango in a club, auditioned to be his valet, and then pissed off senior management to close the episode.  THIS WAS AN ENTIRE SEASON’S WORTH OF STORY.

Regardless, if her story is “Eva Marie is dumb and will fall on her face everytime” she will always have a place in the power rankings. At least until there’s a diminishing return on the “Sexy idiot.”

8) Cameron (last week: 7)

“Hay gurl, im like super pised @ Miz Sandra cuz the clothes she makes us r tres unsexy. And shes late all the time on them. And when you cross Arianna it no no boo boo.”

“So I made a call to some guy who can whip out some sparkly lime stuff that will make people go ‘DAM GIRL!’ and yull luv it although dont tell jonny uso cuz he won’t get it. But whatevs gurl, we’ll look hot.”

“What do you mean you can’t wear this stuff?  IT’S SO CUTE! Huh? You’re whole vag is hanging out? What’s a TV PG show? Melina vs Alicia Fox never had this problem. UGGG FINE…let’s go see Miss Sandra and have her fix it for you.”

“Well Sandra, you’re too slow for us, that’s why! Management told us they wanted sexier clothes! OF COURSE THEY WOULD TELL US THE TALENT AND NOT YOU, PRODUCTION WITH THAT IMPORTANT PRODUCTION NOTE! What?  UGG, FINE TRINITY! Listen Sandra..my B….fix her stuff now. HUH?  I SAID ‘MY B’, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? UGGG…FINE! imsorrry.”

“Sandra, I’m very sorry for going behind your back and now please fix her outfit so we can wear these outfits I want and did not consult anyone about. Yes, this is my genuine voice that I don’t use when I’m being sarcastic.  YOU WON’T HELP?! NOW I NEED TO WEAR THIS OLD OUTFIT THAT DOESN’T HIGHLIGHT MY SMALL BREASTS!”

Being Cameron must be the worst.

9) Miss Sandra (last week: UR)

If there’s anyone who does her job poorly and then gives you shit about it, it’s Miss Sandra.  Total diva.

10) Daniel Bryan (last week: UR)

You know that guy we all love who seems to be very green and environmentally conscious? Yea, that guy has no problem taking two private jet flights cross country and driving a truck around. Or taking a private bus to the private airfield and eating sushi on the private airfield even though he was a vegan (I don’t think he is anymore, but STILL).

Still hard to hate a man who is proud of his parent’s furniture and looks awesome chopping wood.

Lingering question remain about who is taking care of Josie the Dog.

Unranked: Natalya, Jojo, JBL’s music playing in the background to a big pop, Stephanie McMahon, various animal waste, red velvet doughnut, Eva Marie’s barf-inducing boyfriend, The Original Fandango Angel.

Total Divas Week 2 Spreadsheet

Total Divas Power Rankings: Week 1 “Welcome to the WWE”

July 29th, 2013

Rankings

WWE is once again pleasing their Universal corporate masters by producing a new reality show, Total Divas, on the fabled E! network. The “!” is because this is exciting.  Since it is our duty to consume anything professional wrestling, we here at Kayfabe Comedy proudly present the Total Divas Power Rankings, to determine who is the totalest Diva of them all. We evaluate the divas on their core attributes, “Smart, sexy, and powerful” and whatever miscellaneous Diva qualities they exhibit from week to week.

1) Naomi 

Naomi may not have the tenure of a Bella twin or the heritage of a Hart, but she’s no fool.  She may be a self described “Mid-card”, but she’s been around in WWE long enough to know a thing or two about a thing or two.  “I was on NXT season 3″, she most likely mused to herself. “I’ve paid my dues.”

It’s for these reasons that Naomi feels comfortable being the locker room leader of these Divas. Is a guest getting out of line? She’ll handle it head on and communicate effectively.  Is a costume not ready before her match? She’ll boss that poor seamstress to work faster.

If you’re looking for a Diva who encapsulates THIS BUSINESS, look no further then Naomi.

2) Eva Marie

“Who is Eva Marie?” This is a question the young 28 year old had been asking herself while on a cross country flight to Newark. She had only been wrestling for one month and was already trying to figure out where she would orbit in the WWE Universe. That is, until a monkey wrench was thrown into the mix.

“I’m thinking blond”, WWE’s top brass had told her. To say this was shocking news would be an understatement.  In fact, Eva Marie had just had her hair highlighted with red the day before she got to the east coast! And now they want her to change, just because? This is quite the pickle…

But not for long! Because Eva Marie is firey! She’s in your face!  She has bold, RED hair. Not this weak, see through blond! Who cares about the rules? Who cares about her job? She might get fired, but she’s got new hair she loves on WWE’s dime!

Some things are just worth the headaches.

3) Nikki Bella

“If I wasn’t a Bella Twin I’d want to be a Bella Twin!” Nikki exclaimed to the camera, laughing and letting out a bleeped expletive. The director yelled out “Cut” and congratulated her on her segment.  Nikki grabbed a water and walked away from the confessional camera, quietly pleased with herself.

“It’s true,” she thought to herself, “Being a Bella Twin is a pretty great life.” She continued to reflect on the last few months. She had a new man in her life, the WWE’s top star John Cena. He had just bought her a Range Rover with a red custom interior. She would make sure to drive it past her twin sister and her beau while they were on their weekly walk to the farmer’s market. “This will make her so jealous!” Nikki thought as she pulled into the driveway.

Alas, irony is not lost on this Bella Twin.

Sure, she has a fancy new car to accompany her relationship with WWE’s flagship star, but she didn’t have what Brie had. Brie is going to marry Daniel Bryan, who could soon usurp John as WWE’s top star. A Range Rover is not a diamond ring, no matter how much you compare the prices.

So despite her flattering outfits, despite how she seems to have the dominate personality of all the Divas, Nikki Bella is not the totalest Diva. Her self worth is too tied up in how her man sees her.  Her self worth is too tied up in how she compares to her twin sister.  And at the end of the day, Nikki Bella is a liar.  If she were not a Bella Twin she’d be completely happy with that.

Or at least, she’d be happy being a different Bella Twin.

4) Brie Bella

Who’s the Diva who doesn’t get winded training in Florida? Who’s the Diva who has a two-year plus relationship with Daniel Bryan? Who’s the Diva who shops local and cooks? Who’s the Diva who is not intimidated of Eva Marie, despite how she “Looks like me” (because you know, twins)? Brie Bella, obviously.

Brie Bella may be the less “flashy” of the two sisters, but her sensibility will serve her well in the future. Also, wore the hell out of that tiny top hat.

5) Jane Geddes

The former LPGA golfer-turned-SVP of Talent Relations rules her talent with an iron fist. Or at least, rules against Natalya with an iron fist. How about telling her she won’t be on Wrestlemania, then instructing her to babysit some new girls, then telling the Bellas they are on the show and telling a new girl to dye her hair the same color as Natalya- ALL IN FRONT OF NATALYA?

She may have the same job title and sexiness as John Laurinatis, but she also shares his influence and genius.

Loses points for letting Eva Marie get away with insubordination.

6) Layla El

Powerful condolence hug.
Layla El Hug

7) Cameron

Cameron has dealt with the hate before. She’s heard the laughs. She can’t walk into any arena without some fat guy screaming “Melina vs Alicia Fox!” at her. Who cares what the haters think?  Who cares what Stone Cold Steve Austin thinks? She may have been the first cut from WWE’s other reality show, but none of that matters now.  She’s at Wrestlemania.

All of her trials and tribulations may have been lost on her boyfriend, Vince. He just flew into New York for the first time.  He wants to take in the sights and not get bogged down with all this “fake wrestling” stuff.  Which is why he thinks he can beat up a man who used to bodyguard for Snoop Dogg and weighs over 300lbs.

So sure, it may not seem too powerful to breakdown crying because Brodus Clay told her she sucked. It may not seem too smart to bring a man into the backstage area who will not help navigate the political minefield of WWE. But she’ll get through it.  She’s been through this before.

8) Josie the Dog

This about sums it all up.

This about sums it all up.

9) Natalya

Do you need a babysitter? A talker for a WWE.com video no one will watch? What about a trainer? How about a blond? Do you need someone to hang out with Jimmy Uso or sign at the AXXESS session opposite the Hall of Fame ceremony? Then call Nattie Neidhart at 1-407-366-7628. Thats 1-407-DOOR-MAT.

10) Jojo

Who?

Official Total Divas Week 1 Scorecard:

Total Divas Week 1

Unranked: Daniel Bryan, John Cena, Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart, Jimmy Uso, Kevin Dunn, breaking kayfabe, fear of commitment, Boyfriend Vince, an incorrect sequence of events, Range Rover, “Erica, I think?”, Cuban food for lunch.

 

 

Kayfabe Comedy

A professional wrestling blog that wants to believe. Formerly of lolwresslin.blogspot.com

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